A Day in the Life of a Big Goddamn Hero
by time2thrASH
Summary: Zaeed Massani isn't used to dealing with other people. While he is a Normandy crew member however, he doesn't have much choice in the matter. The day has already started badly - will it get any better?


A Day in the Life of a Big Goddamn Hero

*WHIRRRRRR-CLUNK* *WHIRRRRRR-CLUNK*

"Ugggh." Zaeed groaned. He threw an arm over to the side of his bunk, hammering his clenched fist into the digital display. EDI's hologram appeared at the other side of the room, glimmering in the half-light and casting the room in a soft blue glow.

"_Is something bothering you, Mister Massani?"_ The computer asked.

"What time is it?" Zaeed growled, throwing an arm over his eyes.

"_The time is five AM."_ EDI replied.

"What's that noise?" Zaeed asked.

"_The garbage compacter has started its first cycle of the day."_ EDI informed the mercenary.

Zaeed groaned once more, hammering his fists into his pillow, before flopping down restlessly.

"Wait a minute." Zaeed pondered aloud. "The garbage compacter starts at seven."

"_The schedule was changed by Second Officer Vakarian."_ EDI replied.

"I'll bet it fucking was." Zaeed smiled into his pillow. The Archangel had lost around a thousand credits to the mercenary the previous night. Clearly he was not taking the loss well.

*WHIRRRRRR-CLUNK* *WHIRRRRRR-CLUNK*

Zaeed looked up at the machine.

"How long will it be going for?" He queried.

"_It is currently scheduled to continue for eighteen hours."_ The hologram informed him.

Zaeed arched an eyebrow as he peered at the machine again.

"…There's not even anything in it." He stated incredulously.

"_I am aware, however, I cannot override the commands of the ship's third highest ranking officer."_ EDI replied. _"However, I can offer you a live security feed of First Officer Lawson's bedroom."_

"What!?" Zaeed asked, sitting bolt upright.

"_That was a joke."_ The AI replied in a monotone.

"Piss off EDI." He growled.

"_Acknowledged."_ The AI finished, the hologram disappearing.

Zaeed groaned in defeat and swung his legs over the edge of the bunk. Stretching the crick in his neck, he stood up and made his way to the door.

* * *

Stepping out to the Deck Four corridor, Zaeed looked to his right and glanced out of the window overlooking the shuttle bay.

Jacob Taylor and Grunt were starting their exercises early. While Jacob busied himself sprinting from one end of the bay to the other, Grunt had grabbed an engineering storage crate roughly the size of himself and was performing lunges while holding it aloft over his head.

Zaeed took the elevator down to the bay, a shiver running through him as he stepped out into the frigid air. The bay was pretty much the coldest area on board, second only to the seldom entered AI core. The krogan nodded in greeting without breaking his routine, whereas Taylor ignored him altogether. This didn't surprise Zaeed: the younger man had made his distaste with those in the mercenary profession evident when Thane arrived on board.

"You're up early." Grunt remarked.

"Yeah." Zaeed replied. "No thanks to the turian."

"He still sore over last night?" The krogan queried.

"A thousand credits is a lot to lose over a single wager." Zaeed replied.

The krogan returned his focus to his exercises as Jacob approached. Picking up a bottle of water from a nearby crate and taking a long drink, Jacob seemed to be pondering what to say to the mercenary.

"Something on your mind?" Zaeed prompted.

"Yeah, I'm wondering why we keep you around." Jacob replied bluntly.

"Careful kid, you might hurt my feelings one of these days." Zaeed chuckled.

"No, I'm serious." Jacob continued. "You're old. Untrustworthy. You wake up with hangovers more often than not. You're confrontational. Loyal to whoever has the most cash… You don't fit this mission."

Silence fell over the bay as Zaeed and Jacob stared each other down.

"Which pisses you off the most?" Zaeed finally questioned, breaking the silence.

Jacob blinked at the highly unexpected response, and then stopped to give the question genuine thought.

"Hm. I suppose your lack of loyalty." He finally replied.

"Well, since Shepard told the Illusive Man to go fuck himself, I haven't seen or asked for a credit." Zaeed argued. He turned and walked to the elevator.

"Why would I do that if creds were all I cared about?" He asked over his shoulder as he walked. On arriving at the elevator, he stepped in, turning round to face the Cerberus agent.

"Oh, and if I'm so old and untrustworthy, why have I been on four ground missions this month, while the most action you've seen is running up and down this bay?" Zaeed quipped with a smirk as the doors closed.

Grunt's laughter echoed around the bay as the younger human's self-righteous expression faltered. Zaeed smiled: after a bad start, the day was getting better.

* * *

"What have you got for us today Gardner?" Zaeed asked the mess sergeant as he hoisted himself onto a barstool in front of the counter.

Gardner eyed the mercenary wearily before wordlessly turning and putting two slices of bread into the toaster.

"That toast better be for you." Zaeed warned, eyeballing the man.

"Well I'm sorry, but it's only a quarter past five." The sergeant sighed. "I don't start breakfast 'til eight, you know that."

"Fine." Zaeed huffed. "It will hold me I suppose."

The sergeant continued to look at him, biting his lip.

"What?" Zaeed asked.

"We don't have any jam." Gardner informed him warily.

"Yes we do." Zaeed countered quickly.

"Operative Lawson has it." Gardner replied, shaking his head. "She took a tray of tea and toast to her office about four hours ago when you and Garrus woke everyone up."

"Fuck's sake…" Zaeed exclaimed under his breath.

"I always have jam Gardner." Zaeed growled. "As sure as Grunt has his varren steak dripping with blood, Shepard has his coffee with five sugars and Tali always has the strawberry nutri-paste in the mornings… I have jam with my _**fucking**_ toast."

"Nice soliloquy Uncle Zee." Kasumi said from thin air as she dropped her cloak, appearing on the barstool next to him. Neither Zaeed or Gardner flinched. Kasumi's appearances had long since lost their shock factor.

"Morning Miss Goto." Gardner greeted. "Toast?"

"Yes please Ruper-duper." Kasumi replied brightly.

Zaeed groaned.

"Ruper-duper?" He asked. "That's worse than Uncle Zee."

"I like it." Gardner interrupted. He withered under Zaeed's glare. "Sorry."

The toaster finished its work, the slices popping out of the top. Gardner cut the pieces and inserted them into a toast rack, placing it in front of the two specialists, along with a butter dish, knives and plates.

"Thanks Rupert." Kasumi smiled.

"Yeah, you really stretched yourself." Zaeed added.

"Ignore him." Kasumi instructed, swiping the butter dish away from Zaeed as he reached for it.

"I always do." Gardner replied, grabbing his mop and bucket and heading out to the elevator.

Kasumi slid the butter dish to her neighbour at the breakfast bar as she munched on her first slice.

"Oh. My. God." She intoned, as she watched Zaeed butter his toast.

"What now?" Zaeed asked, irritation lacing his voice.

"You even stab the butter like it slept with your wife." Kasumi quipped.

"No I don't." Zaeed denied, sinking the knife deep into the butter and angrily munching his own toast.

"You _literally_ just did." She countered.

Zaeed glanced at the knife. He couldn't really deny the fact that the knife stuck out perpendicular to the surface of the butter, sunk in all the way to the hilt.

"… So what if I do?" He relented.

"Ever thought about anger management?" Kasumi enquired.

"No." Zaeed replied bluntly.

Kasumi turned to face him and crossed her arms in front of her chest.

"_**Vido Santiago**_." She said simply.

The toast in Zaeed's right hand was instantly crushed in his clenched fist and his left leg started to bounce uncontrollably as his heart rate soared.

"Advantage, Goto." Kasumi smirked.

"_If you react, she wins."_ A little voice at the back of Zaeed's mind piped up.

"I'm fine!" Zaeed said quickly, dropping the toast and pushing down on his knee.

"Then why is your eye twitching?" Kasumi asked.

Zaeed concentrated hard, attempting to bring his eyelid, and now right arm, under control.

"… It's bright in here." Zaeed attempted lamely.

"Whatever Uncle Zee." Kasumi replied, picking up another piece of toast and sliding off the barstool. "When you're ready to admit I'm right, I'll be ready to listen."

With that, she kissed Zaeed on the cheek and returned to her room, happily humming some tune.

Zaeed touched the spot on his cheek. That was certainly unexpected.

* * *

After finishing his toast, Zaeed made his way to the medical bay. Upon entering, he had intended to go straight through to the AI core, but was stopped in his tracks by the sight that greeted him.

Thane was lying on a bed, eyes closed, with an oxygen mask strapped to his face. Doctors Solus and Chakwas stood at the end of the drell's bed, looking over some numbers on Mordin's Omni-tool. The hiss of the door caused Doctor Chakwas to look up.

"Oh, hello Mister Massani." She greeted. "Can I help you?"

"No thanks." Zaeed replied, shaking his head. "Just passing through."

He paused, looking at Thane once more.

"How is he?" Zaeed asked.

"Deteriorating." Mordin replied simply, not looking up from his Omni-tool. "Would deem ground missions to now be beyond capabilities."

Zaeed turned his attention back to the sleeping drell. He'd fought his last battle and probably not even known it. The only notable things in the assassin's future would likely be respirators and injections.

"Poor bastard." Zaeed lamented softly.

"I would thank you not to count me out yet." Thane replied, his voice muffled through the mask. The drell opened his eyes, squinting slightly at the bright overhead light.

"Sorry, didn't mean to wake you." Zaeed apologised. Chakwas removed Thane's mask.

"An apology from Zaeed Massani." Thane commented. "I can die peacefully now, I've seen everything."

Zaeed smiled. He didn't think he could be so good-humoured if he were in the drell's position.

"How's having the twitchiest doc in the galaxy as your personal medic?" Zaeed asked.

"I do not twitch." Mordin countered, cutting in before the drell could respond. "By human standards, my movements are fast, but for salarian-"

"It's nice to have the best doctor in the galaxy as a friend and team-mate." Thane replied, cutting off the salarian's rant before it began.

"Flattery unnecessary." Mordin replied. "Appreciated though." He added with a sniff.

"Whatever." Zaeed said, moving from the doorway and striding across the room, entering the AI core.

* * *

"_Lawson-Operative. Please respond._" Legion's voice echoed around Miranda's office.

"Mfmph." Miranda groaned as she pulled her sleep mask from over her eyes. "What is it Legion?"

"_Both this platform and EDI are currently being held hostage in the AI Core by Massani-Specialist."_ The geth informed her.

"Oh for God's sake…" Miranda moaned, throwing her bed covers off her. She grabbed her nearby robe, pulling it on and tying the sash tightly.

The first officer stomped out of her room barefoot, crossing the deserted ship's mess and continuing to stomp through the medical bay, past the assassin and his doctors, and into the AI core, the doors closing behind her.

"… Did that just happen?" Thane asked, blinking in confusion.

"Yes, saw it with own eyes." Mordin replied. "Though given her psych profile and prior history, believe a shared hallucination is in fact more likely. May run a simulation."

* * *

"WHAT!?" Miranda demanded angrily as the door to the AI core closed behind her.

Zaeed leaned against a server, puffing on a cigar. Legion didn't appear to be in any danger, or EDI for that matter.

"I need you to change something in the maintenance schedule." Zaeed replied simply, inhaling deeply from the cigar.

Miranda slapped her forehead in frustration.

"Legion, why did you say you'd been taken hostage?" Miranda asked angrily.

"_Massani-Specialist suggested it would provide insight into the behaviour of sleep deprived humans."_ The synthetic replied. _"We apologise for the deception."_

Miranda rounded her glare back to the smoking mercenary.

"You can't smoke that in here." She warned threateningly.

"I need you to switch off the garbage compacter in my room." Zaeed replied, ignoring her completely.

"And why exactly do you need _me_ to do that?" Miranda asked.

"I needed someone who outranks Vakarian." Zaeed replied.

"And what about, oh, I don't know…" Miranda pretended to think hard. "Who is that guy? Oh yeah, Commander Shepard!"

"His feet aren't as pretty." Zaeed replied, gesturing towards her feet with his cigar.

"Fine! Fine!" Miranda fumed, crossing to the core control. She tapped some commands furiously into the holographic display. "Done. Can I go to sleep now?"

"You know, my room will be nice and quiet now." Zaeed smirked, eyeing the XO's attire. "How's about you and I get some shuteye together? You don't snore do you?"

The slap to the face was anticipated, but totally worth it. Winding up Miranda was a favoured pastime of many crew members, Zaeed included. As Miranda stomped out of the AI core, Zaeed rubbed his face and leaned against the doorframe. Thane and Mordin looked at him quizzically.

"I've already been kissed once today." The merc explained. "Thought I'd try for another."

* * *

Zaeed sauntered into his room and flopped down onto his bunk. Glancing at his Omni-tool, he noted that it was six o'clock: two hours until Gardner started serving breakfast. That meant there would be two hours in which to catch up on some sleep.

The mercenary shifted into a comfortable position and closed his eyes.

Then opened them again.

Zaeed sat bolt upright, immediately swinging his legs over the bed and standing up. Something was wrong. The room wasn't right.

Krogan helmet, check. Box of grenades, check. Liquor collection, check. Jessie, ch-

Zaeed noted the dusty silhouette where the rifle used to lay. Jessie was gone.

"Son of a bitch!" Zaeed roared, stomping out of the room.

* * *

Jacob had just finished his laps and crossed to the weight bench. Setting himself down and grasping the bar, he started to do his usual lifts, paying little attention to the sound of the elevator arriving again.

"Follow me, do exactly as I do." Zaeed ordered Grunt as he strode across the bay.

Grunt shrugged and dropped the heavy crate he was holding, following in the mercenary's wake.

Zaeed stopped upon reaching the bench, grabbing and lifting a ten kilo weight from the rack, adding it to the bar.

"What the hell are you doing?" Jacob yelled, struggling to correct the sudden imbalance.

Grunt did the same on the other side, evening out the bar.

"Thanks." Jacob replied. "No, wait. Why am I thanking you? Why are you helping him?"

"Bored." The krogan replied, shrugging his shoulders.

Jacob moved to place the bar back in the overhead grips, but Zaeed grabbed the bar, directing it back over his neck.

"Where's my gun, Taylor?" Zaeed growled.

"What gun?" Jacob asked. Zaeed nodded to the krogan, and the two heaved two more weights onto the bar.

"Jessie!" Zaeed growled, looming over the Cerberus agent.

"That piece of crap?" Jacob exclaimed, struggling to hold the bar aloft.

He got another twenty kilos in response.

"I don't know!" Jacob replied, straining hard. The bar was now dangerously close to his neck. "If I did I'd tell you, I swear!"

Zaeed let the younger man strain a while longer, enjoying the position of power.

"Say 'Zaeed Massani is a better man than Jacob Taylor'." Zaeed chuckled.

"Fuck… You!" Jacob winced.

Zaeed folded his arms, standing impassively.

"… Zaeed Massani is a better man than Jacob Taylor!" He finally gabbled.

"And don't you forget it." Zaeed smirked. "Save his ass Grunt."

The krogan effortlessly lifted the bar with one hand, leaving the wheezing Jacob free to slip off the bench.

Zaeed turned his back on the two, arms crossed, tapping his chin in thought.

"Who else on this ship has an axe to grind?" He wondered aloud.

"Vakarian." Grunt ventured, overhearing him. "Lawson. Donnelly. Gardner. Samara. Joker…"

"Are you just reading the crew roster?" Zaeed queried.

"No, but there's quite an overlap." Grunt admitted.

"Shocking, given your winning personality." Jacob coughed, doubled up on the floor.

* * *

"All right Kasumi, where is it?" Zaeed asked gruffly as he strode in to the lounge.

The thief didn't look up from the ancient book she was reading.

"Why Uncle Zee, how kind of you to knock, please come in." She deadpanned, engrossed in the book.

"Where is it?" Zaeed repeated.

Kasumi closed the book, directing her gaze at her visitor.

"What? Your boxful of fluffy kittens?" She asked.

"Jessie. She's gone, someone's taken her." Zaeed informed her.

"I see, one of your possessions has been stolen, so you immediately suspect the thief!" Kasumi replied exasperatedly, throwing her arms into the air in frustration.

"Well… yeah." Zaeed confirmed, surprised at the outburst.

Kasumi paused, thinking for a moment.

"Actually, yeah, I see how that makes sense." She relented, lifting the book from her lap and resuming her reading.

Zaeed continued to stand in the doorway, waiting for an answer.

"Well?" He asked, his own exasperation evident.

"I only steal valuable things Zaeed. Who will I sell a broken M-8 Avenger to?" She paused. "Actually, if I made it clear that it belonged to Zaeed Massani, I could make a fortune selling it as a trophy to _**Vido Santiago**_."

Zaeed grabbed the doorframe as his knee almost gave way.

"Very funny." He replied, slapping a spasming right hand over his twitching right eye. "I need a drink." He sighed, crossing over to the bar.

"It's not even seven…" Kasumi replied scornfully.

"You've got fruit juice." Zaeed replied, pouring himself a glass. "You want one?" He asked.

Kasumi looked up, surprised at the offer.

"Sure… thanks." She replied.

Zaeed crossed over to her, settling himself down in a chair and placing the glasses on a table.

"What're you reading?" He asked, leaning back into the comfortable chair.

"Oliver Twist." The thief replied.

"A story about a youngster falling in with a band of thieves. Seems fitting. I read it at school." Zaeed replied.

Kasumi looked up in shock, as if Zaeed had just grown six heads.

"What?" Zaeed asked quizzically.

"You… went to school?" Kasumi queried.

"What, you think I was born smoking cigars and headbutting krogans?" Zaeed asked.

"Well no… Though the mental image of young Zaeed at playtime doing just that is hilarious." She relented.

"Yeah, they made us read all the greats." Zaeed recalled fondly, lighting a cigar and taking a few puffs. "Dickens, Shakespeare, Austen, Poe… Rowling."

"Huh." Kasumi mustered as her response, still a bit stunned. "What was your favourite?"

"Difficult." Zaeed admitted. "Either Tom Clancy or Andy McNab."

"Who?" Kasumi asked cluelessly.

"I'll lend you mine." Zaeed smiled, taking a sip of his juice.

"OK." Kasumi smiled, genuinely excited. "What about Shakespeare? Which play is your favourite?"

"Hmm… Since I joined up with the Normandy… Henry V." He replied.

"Since boarding?" Kasumi asked. "I get it. Shepard does his rounds just like King Henry, but not in disguise."

"There is that." Zaeed nodded. "But it's more the situation."

"Meaning?" She asked, intrigued.

The mercenary took another sip from his juice before he explained.

"_This story shall the good man teach his son;  
And Crispin Crispian shall ne'er go by,  
From this day to the ending of the world,  
But we in it shall be remember'd;  
We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;  
For he to-day that sheds his blood with me  
Shall be my brother; be he ne'er so vile,  
This day shall gentle his condition:  
And gentlemen in England now a-bed  
Shall think themselves accursed they were not here,  
And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks  
That fought with us upon Saint Crispin's day."_

Kasumi's mouth was hanging open, her expression unlike anything Zaeed had seen from her before.

"Whilst the Citadel and the Council choose to ignore Shepard, we'll be the ones bringing the pain to the reapers. There's something about this ship. The people we've got…" He trailed off.

He inhaled deeply from his cigar.

"I… How…" Kasumi stammered.

"How do I know that?" Zaeed smirked. "My mum was a stage actress. I basically grew up in an old theatre in London."

"Wow…" Kasumi responded, still reeling. "Thinking about it, that passage is really quite relevant to us."

"Wouldn't have bothered reciting it otherwise, kid." Zaeed replied, rising from the chair. "Now, I've got a gun to find."

"Let me guess, you're going for Garrus next?" Kasumi asked, voice laced with scorn.

"Nah." Zaeed rebuffed her. "He's sleeping off a hangover and a concussion. No way is he up and about yet."

"Then who next?" Kasumi queried.

"The Justicar." Zaeed replied. "She's been giving me the eye since she boarded."

"Right. So a sworn peacekeeper has sunk to thievery." Kasumi said, voice dripping with sarcasm.

"Doubt it, but something's up all the same. See you at breakfast." Zaeed replied as he stepped through the door.

* * *

"I've been expecting you Mister Massani." Samara informed the mercenary as he stood in the open doorway.

"That so?" Zaeed growled, wary of the floating biotic sphere levitating over the Justicar's lap.

"I recognised you as soon as I boarded." The Justicar informed him.

"Well, you have me at a disadvantage." Zaeed replied, still wary.

"Athame's Rest Colony, 2164." The Justicar said plainly.

Zaeed cast his memory back. The colony had been around the third or fourth mission he had taken on as head of the then new mercenary group, the Blue Suns. Vido had informed Zaeed that the colony had just opened a small bank, with riches aplenty in the vault. In reality, the target had been a warehouse containing high-energy foods and supplements, worth a fortune on the black market. Once there, Zaeed reluctantly led the team on the true mission, knowing that not completing the job would probably mean trouble with whichever shady buyer Vido had lined up.

At the time, Zaeed prided himself on the fact that no civilians were killed in the raid. However, something in the back of his mind told him that he had probably doomed the colony. Around six months later, a news report confirmed his suspicions.

"Right, I get it, I stole those precious supplies, so you stole my precious gun." Zaeed huffed.

"I do not know of which gun you speak, but I'm surprised that you remember." Samara replied.

"I fucked over some brave people on the frontier, I'm not proud of it." Zaeed replied.

"The asari government were infuriated. I was sent into the Terminus systems to track you down. The government lost around a hundred million credits over that colony." Samara explained.

Zaeed inched his hand downwards to his holstered pistol. Calmly extending a hand upwards, Samara summoned it directly to her, having been watching his reflection in the glass. She stood slowly, turning to face the mercenary for the first time since the conversation began.

"I was merely ordered to take you in." Samara explained. "By the time I tracked you down six months later, Vido had already betrayed you, and you were recuperating in hospital."

She held the pistol by the barrel, extending her arm and offering it back. Zaeed took it cautiously and holstered it.

"By the code, you had more than paid for your crimes. As your comatose lasted two years, the asari government decided to drop the matter." The Justicar continued.

"Right… What about other stuff I did?" Zaeed asked facetiously. "Should I sleep with an eye open?"

"For the moment, my arm is Shepard's." Samara responded. "And, as I am unaware of any other transgressions aimed particularly at my species government, I believe you are safe."

"Right… thanks." Zaeed replied as the asari took her place on the floor once more. "You've not seen Jessie then?"

"Is this 'Jessie' a crewman?" Samara asked.

"No, she's an M-8 Avenger assault rifle." Zaeed informed her, patience wearing thin.

"I see. Perhaps you should seek Doctor Solus." Samara suggested, her biotic sphere forming in her palms.

"Why would he take my gun?" Zaeed asked, the suggestion piquing his interest.

"Oh, he won't have your gun. He may simply be able to provide psychiatric assistance." The Justicar replied, a small smile gracing the edge of her lips.

"Everyone's a comedian." Zaeed scowled as he turned on his heel and stomped out of the lounge.

* * *

The scowl remained on Zaeed's face until Gardner began to serve breakfast. The mercenary flopped down into his usual chair next to Jack at the specialists table.

"What's up your ass this morning?" The biotic asked by way of greeting.

"Someone's taken Jessie right out of my room." Zaeed scowled.

"Anyone would think he was woken up by a kick in the crotch." Kasumi added as she took her place opposite Zaeed.

"No!" Zaeed replied loudly, suddenly remembering his other grievance of the day. "I was woken up by the bloody turian!"

"Ooooh…" Jack smirked. "You two taking a leaf out of Shepard and Tali's book?"

"Very fuckin' funny." Zaeed growled. "He turned on the garbage compacter in my room and locked out the command."

"Tough break." Jack replied, reaching across Zaeed for the toast rack, her interest in his problem waning.

"Here you go Zaeed." Gardner said, appearing over the mercenary's shoulder, placing a full fried breakfast and a jar of jam in front of him. "Got your jam back from Miranda, and made a full fried breakfast with some of the frozen provisions."

A grin stretched Zaeed's scarred face as he surveyed the contents of his plate. Around a hundred years ago, the collection had been called a 'Full English', and Zaeed had partaken of many growing up in London. Sausages, bacon, fried bread, mushrooms, beans, black pudding and a fried egg.

"Nice work, you really stretched yourself here Rupert." Zaeed complimented.

"Nice to hear you mean it this time." Gardner replied, moving to attend to the other specialists.

Zaeed grabbed his cutlery, shifting so he was comfortable in his chair, and speared one of the sausages with his fork. He opened his mouth, and brought the sausage to his lips.

"_Zaeed, Jack. Suit up and get to the shuttle right now, we've got a distress call."_ Shepard's voice echoed over the tannoy.

Zaeed's fist began to shake as Kasumi and Jack looked at him warily.

"Tough break." Kasumi lamented, biting her lip.

Zaeed smacked the sausage back down onto the plate and slid the meal over to the thief wordlessly, smashing his palms into the table as he rose to leave. He stormed off to the elevator.

"Well, this'll be a fun shuttle ride." Jack sighed as she rose to follow him.

* * *

"Distress call?!" Zaeed yelled incredulously over the wind. "No-one could have survived this!"

The distress call came from some godforsaken rock called Neith. Upon stepping out of the shuttle, the team had been informed that sandstorms were imminent, and the view of the annihilated ship in front of them didn't inspire much confidence of finding survivors.

"Regardless, the ship crashed for a reason." Shepard replied. "I'm not leaving until we find out why. There's a beacon up ahead, let's check it out."

"Fuck's sake…" Zaeed muttered under his breath as he holstered his assault rifle.

"Grow up, you big girl." Jack scolded as she fell into step with him.

The pair trudged behind Shepard, who stopped occasionally to check out the wreckage.

"Life of a Spectre, eh?" Zaeed remarked as Shepard prised open a container and rooted around inside.

"Yup." Shepard responded as he leaned into the container, stretching one arm into its depths to investigate.

"Is it always this thrilling?" Jack asked, hands on hips as she peered at the distant beacon.

"Well," Shepard began, dropping something on the ground and pulling himself out of the container, "there's the occasional Reaper to liven things up a bit."

He retrieved the dropped datapad from the ground, brushing the sand off it as he rose.

"Well?" Zaeed asked as Shepard read.

"Ship was catastrophically damaged." Shepard began.

"Yeah, no shit." Jack replied, toeing the hull of the wreck with her boot.

"Thank God we had a Spectre on hand to tell us." Zaeed added.

"Transporting mechs." Shepard continued, ignoring both of them. "180 LOKI, 1 YMIR…"

He dropped the pad on top of the box.

"Come on, let's check out the beacon." He ordered, marching off.

"That's a lot of mechs." Jack replied. "We could take them back for Grunt."

"I don't think they'd fit in his toybox." Zaeed replied, eyeing the sandstorm approaching in the distance.

* * *

Zaeed was thankful that he had bothered to learn how to mod disrupter ammo. Shepard hypothesised that there was a rogue VI at work, something Zaeed agreed with. They'd only cut down about ten hostiles between the three of them so far. The sandstorm had hit around the same time the mechs did, limiting visibility significantly.

"Jack!" Zaeed shouted, getting her attention. He lobbed her now modified shotgun back to her as she turned, and she immediately caught it, blasting a nearby LOKI mech instantly.

Bullets whizzed over Zaeed's head as he started on Shepard's Revenant, Shepard covering him with his pistol.

"Just another working day, huh?" Shepard remarked.

"When will our lives get interesting?" Zaeed replied as he finished up, handing the machine gun back to the commander.

"I can take you ALL!" Jack's voice echoed in the distance as her biotics thudded out over the battlefield.

"She's a bit far ahead." Zaeed turned to Shepard.

"She's got the right idea though." Shepard acknowledged. "Visibility will be way better up there near the shuttle. As long as there aren't any obstacles."

"_ONLINE."_ A mechanical voice echoed a short distance ahead.

Zaeed groaned. Was this day ever going to get better?

* * *

Zaeed brushed the sand off his armour as he stepped out of the shuttle and back onto the Normandy. Shepard had insisted on finishing off all 181 mechs, disabling the beacon and installing his own warning beacon at the crash site. After all that, it was already one o'clock by the time they returned.

Zaeed didn't even bother to remove his weapons as he trudged to the elevator and headed straight for the mess, eager to get something to eat. Rupert eyed the scowling mercenary as he approached, and immediately opened the oven to retrieve a plate loaded with the same breakfast that he'd had to leave behind before the mission.

"Your surrogate niece was kind enough to eat the one you left behind, so I made you another and kept it warm in here." Gardner explained.

"Nice one." Zaeed congratulated as he hopped onto the barstool. As he settled down, Gardner placed cutlery and a pint of beer in front of him.

"Beer huh?" Zaeed asked. "Why do I feel like you want a favour?"

"The Commander won't take you out twice in one day." Gardner shrugged. "Plus, you were in a hell of a mood all morning, I'm doing my best to sunny up your disposition."

"Well, mission accomplished." Zaeed confirmed as he took a grateful sip of the amber liquid.

He was well into his breakfast when Thane emerged from the medical bay, slowly walking up to take a seat next to the mercenary.

"Hey." Zaeed greeted, taking another swig from his beer. "Feeling better?"

"Much." The drell confirmed, settling into the seat. "I've been neglecting my treatment for too long. I think adrenaline was making me feel better than I was, I've completed quite a few missions with the Commander this month."

"I hear that." Zaeed nodded, swallowing. "You're the only one to see more action than me this month."

"I do not think that will be the case next month." Thane replied morosely.

"Docs are telling you to take it easy, huh?" Zaeed queried.

"Yes. Though quite frankly, I'm not sure I mind." Thane informed the mercenary.

"Well… I'm sure you can help out with tactics and such." Zaeed ventured.

The drell shook his head.

"The Commander doesn't really need my assistance any longer." He replied.

"Well, you're a hell of a fighter." Zaeed toasted the drell with his beer glass. "I wish you luck."

"Thank you." The drell replied humbly.

Zaeed continued to eat his breakfast-slash-lunch as Gardner prepared a small meal for the drell. Finally dropping his knife and fork to the plate with a clatter, Zaeed resumed the conversation.

"How's your boy?" Zaeed asked.

Gardner put the drell's plate down and removed Zaeed's. He filled the mercenary's glass with more beer as he awaited the drell's response.

Zaeed nodded in thanks as Thane swallowed a bite of his food.

"Kolyat is doing well." Thane confirmed. "Commander Bailey has taken him under his wing."

"Good." Zaeed nodded. "I imagine you'll be getting off at the Citadel then?"

"Yes. I have forwarded Kolyat money for an apartment in the Presidium, close to the hospital. I will join him there until I require admission to hospital." The drell explained.

"Presidum, huh? Your career's been pretty lucrative then?" Zaeed asked.

"Yes." Thane confirmed. "At least in monetary terms."

Silence fell between the two as Thane continued his meal and Zaeed continued to drink.

"You know," Zaeed began, "I don't think I'd be able to face a terminal illness."

"Really?" Thane asked, surprised. "I'd think that for someone who has dealt with death all his life…"

"Nah." Zaeed replied, shaking his head. "Staring down the barrel of a gun is one thing. There's a chance that maybe it will jam, maybe someone will save you. Hell, the guy holding it might have a brain aneurysm and drop dead before he can pull the trigger. There's always some kind of chance. But to know there isn't…"

"A powerful analogy." Thane admitted. "I've seen many drell on Kahje die of Kepral's. I've seen them all come to terms with it, my father and grandfather among them. I suppose death is a fact of life in the long term. I received my diagnosis three years ago, that's a lot of time to reconcile my fear with the inevitability of the syndrome."

"I suppose." Zaeed replied. "Give me a bullet any day."

"Well, the first didn't stop you, you could use another." Jacob entered the conversation as he walked into the mess.

"Come to check on your two favourite people?" Zaeed asked as Jacob took a seat at the other side of him.

"Not really, I've certainly seen enough of you today." He greeted the chef. "Hi Rupert, black coffee."

"Coming up." Rupert confirmed as he busied himself with the coffeemaker.

"Found your stupid gun yet?" Jacob asked.

"No, I've been on a mission. Remember them? They're those things you're never asked on." Zaeed chuckled as Gardner placed a cup of coffee in front of Jacob.

"Laugh it up old man." Jacob replied, taking a sip of his coffee.

"Hey Thane," Zaeed began, turning to the drell, "check out this cool new message alert tone I've got on my Omni-tool."

"_Zaeed Massani is a better man than Jacob Taylor!"_ The speakers echoed.

The drell and the mercenary laughed as Jacob snatched up his coffee and headed for the elevator.

* * *

Zaeed yawned as he came around from his nap. The beer and large meal, coupled with the laughter at Jacob's expense, had put him in a good mood to catch up on some sleep.

Lifting himself off his bunk, he stared at the empty space where Jessie belonged. It was time to sort this shit out.

Zaeed left his room to be met with a cacophony of noise filtering up from the shuttle bay. The drives had lowered into the floor to leave a wide open space, and the other specialists were currently engaged in a game of five-on-five basketball.

Wasting no time, Zaeed took the elevator down, and stepped out to join the group.

"Time out!" Shepard yelled, noticing the approaching mercenary. "I'm down a man Zaeed, give me a hand."

"Don't have to tell me twice." Zaeed grinned, catching the blue armband Shepard threw his way. Tugging it on, he took notice of the teams.

Shepard had the blue team, consisting of Kasumi, Jack, Grunt and now Zaeed himself. Miranda's red team contained Jacob, Samara, Mordin and Legion. Thane was watching from the sidelines, sat on a heavy crate.

"Care to do the honours Thane?" Shepard asked, bouncing the ball his way.

"Rules are simple." Thane announced, catching the ball and moving to the centre, flanked by Shepard and Miranda. "No biotics, no CONTACT." He added loudly, looking directly at Grunt.

The krogan shifted under the drell referee's gaze. Clearly something had happened already.

"Let's go!" Thane shouted, throwing the ball up between the Commander and the XO.

Miranda slapped it down, bouncing it toward Samara. The ball moved quickly between the red team, aided by the quick thinking of the geth and the salarian.

Zaeed moved to mark Jacob at just the right moment, intercepting the ball thrown by Miranda. Gazing around the floor, his team members were marked, and he was nowhere near the net. He threw the ball Grunt's way, hoping that the krogan might be able to outmanoeuvre the Justicar marking him.

It wasn't the case, but the krogan instantly turned the tables on the asari by blocking her own throw with his considerable bulk, managing to intercept the ball at short range. Zaeed rushed to Kasumi as Grunt looked for someone to pass to, and the thief let out a cry of surprise as she was suddenly lifted up onto the mercenary's shoulders.

"Grunt!" Kasumi cried, as she realised her new stature gave her an advantage.

The krogan spotted her and lobbed the ball high, it's flight path uninterrupted. Kasumi caught the ball and pitched it the short distance to the net, the ball finding its mark and passing through easily.

"Nice work Uncle Zee!" Kasumi cheered happily, patting the top of the mercenary's head.

"No way!" Miranda yelled crossly, hands on hips. "Thane, you can't possibly allow… Oh my God."

Everyone looked along Miranda's line of sight. Thane had slumped across the box he had been sitting on. Shepard and Mordin rushed towards him, Mordin's Omni-tool already active.

"Need to get him to medical bay, now." The salarian ordered quickly.

* * *

Zaeed, Kasumi, Jack and Shepard looked on through the observation window sadly as Chakwas and Mordin busied themselves hooking up the drell to the ventilator. Thane had regained consciousness in the elevator, but needed to be treated as a precaution.

"It was hot in the bay, and there was a lot of us breathing hard, using up the oxygen." Shepard commented.

"You're probably right." Zaeed replied, an arm around Kasumi, who was leaning against him.

"_He'll be OK."_ Mordin informed them over the speakers, looking at them through the glass. _"Needs rest, high oxygen saturation."_

Shepard nodded at the salarian, turning to leave.

"EDI, where's Tali?" He asked aloud.

"_Tali'Zorah is currently located on Deck One."_ EDI replied.

"Go get her lover-boy." Jack smirked as he left the mess, boarding the elevator. "Come on you two, I need a drink." She commanded, turning to Kasumi and Zaeed.

"I'll catch you up." Zaeed replied, letting go of the thief and pushing her gently towards the biotic. The two women left, leaving Zaeed alone in the mess, watching the sleeping drell.

"_Life sucks alright." _Zaeed thought sadly as he watched. _"There aren't many good surprises in this galaxy."_

* * *

As Zaeed kept his silent vigil over the medical bay, he registered the sound of the elevator moving down from Deck One.

"Shepard said I'd find you here." A voice emerged from behind him.

Zaeed whirled around to come face-to-face with Tali, who was holding…

"Shepard took down a Reaper." Zaeed stated calmly. "Only a total fool would threaten his girlfriend. But if you don't hand me that gun, I will honestly… think… about raising my voice… maybe."

"Thank you Zaeed, that was very scary. I honestly thought the ghost of Saren had taken human form." Tali replied with a giggle, handing him the object she was holding.

"Why did you take Jessie?" Zaeed asked, cradling the gun.

"Shepard mentioned that you'd had problems with it." She replied. "I figured I might be able to lend a hand, I'm sorry I didn't ask."

"Well, you are the boss's… Wait, does that mean you've fixed it?" Zaeed asked in shock.

"Yeah, it took me all day." The quarian replied. "There were eight separate problems, but if it makes you more effective in battle…"

"You… you…" Zaeed stammered, unable to form a complete sentence. "Hold on. Are you saying I can go down to the shuttle bay – this instant – and start shooting targets."

"Well, yeah, but it needs recalibrating. I suggest you visit our resident turian, if he's managed to forgive you for that fight last night." Tali replied. "How's Thane?"

Zaeed brought his attention back to the medical bay.

"He's fine, for now." Zaeed informed her. "He'll be up and around tomorrow."

"OK. Goodnight Zaeed." She replied. She moved toward the elevator, turning at the last second.

"What was that fight with Garrus about anyway? I heard it was pretty brutal." She asked.

Zaeed thought for a moment.

"I was drunk, he made a crack about Vido Santiago and we got into it." Zaeed replied.

"I see. Have fun!" Tali replied, chuckling. With that she made her way to the elevator.

"_Not bad for something I made up on the spot." _Zaeed thought as he excitedly moved to the main battery.

* * *

The red hologram in front of the door signalled that the room's occupant was still in a bad mood.

Though bothering Miranda again would be fun, Zaeed instead gently drew his hands across the doorway, checking with his fingertips for imperfections. Finding what he was looking for, he ripped a panel off the frame, and assembled the emergency hydraulic pump.

He grabbed the handle of the jack with both hands, heaving it downwards, then pushing it back to its starting position. After several repetitions, the mechanism hissed and opened.

"What the hell?" A voice queried from inside.

"Knock-knock." Zaeed deadpanned as he strolled in. Garrus was laying on his bunk, arms crossed.

"What do you want?" The turian growled, slowly rising to his feet.

"I need you to help me calibrate this gun." Zaeed stated plainly "Meet me in the shuttle bay."

With that, Zaeed turned and left, leaving the perplexed and irritated turian behind.

* * *

Zaeed had already fired off a few shots from his beloved assault rifle and was pleased with the results. The quarian was right about the rifle being fixed, but she was also right about the need for recalibration. The elevator doors hissed as the turian stepped out.

"Let's get this over with." The turian growled.

"Still feeling sorry for yourself?" Zaeed asked.

"You're one to talk." Garrus replied, hand extended for the gun.

Zaeed placed the gun in his hands, and Garrus brought the stock to his shoulder.

"Firing three." He stated, switching to single fire mode.

Three bullets pierced the target at the other end of the bay. Garrus handed the rifle back to its owner and raised a hand to his visor, magnifying the target.

"Hit ring four each time." He stated drily. "It's really out of sync."

Zaeed wordlessly handed the rifle back, settling himself down onto a nearby crate. Plucking a cigar from his belt, and lighting it with his Omni-tool, he watched the turian fiddle with the sight, firing intermittently to check his work.

Garrus aimed carefully, firing another shot at the target. Zaeed heard a knock coming from above. He turned to see Kasumi and Jack waving at him through the deck four corridor window. He waved back, and gestured for them to come down.

"So," Zaeed began, breaking the silence, "feeling better about our wager yet?"

"Not really." He replied, tinkering with the sight. He lined up and fired another round, punctuating the silence.

The elevator whirred and hissed as the doors opened to reveal Jack and Kasumi.

"There you are!" Kasumi shouted. "We've been looking eeeeeeeeverywhere for you!"

Zaeed raised an eyebrow.

"You've started drinking already then?" He asked with a chuckle.

"Princess Pinch here can't handle her liquor." Jack replied. "You're observing the effect of a single appletini."

"Heeeeey Garrus!" Kasumi giggled, heaving her small body up onto the storage crate next to Zaeed.

"Ladies." He replied curtly, by way of greeting.

"I thought you were meant to be the most hard-fighting, booze-drinking, wise-cracking turian in the galaxy?" Jack asked, sitting herself the other side of Zaeed and sipping from a can of some kind of alcohol.

"Yeah, what the hell happened, why have you been sulking in your room all day?" Kasumi asked.

"You're not the only one who's ever had woman trouble you know." Zaeed ventured, taking a puff of his cigar.

"Zaeed!" The turian snapped in warning.

"Oh come on, they asked. It's hardly going to remain a fuckin' secret when your personality changes completely overnight." Zaeed replied. "Didn't they teach you that in cop school? I'm just saying, I've had girl trouble myself."

"Being knocked unconscious and handcuffed to a bed by a hooker isn't quite the same thing." Garrus replied, continuing his work.

"You're one funny fucker Vakarian." Zaeed replied, calmly taking a puff of his cigar. "Surprised you weren't able to win Tali's affections."

Kasumi and Jack gasped in unison. Zaeed raised an eyebrow and looked at Jack.

"The Princess I expect that from, but did you just gasp in surprise?" He queried.

"I'm a little drunk, sue me." The biotic shrugged.

"For God's sake Zaeed…" Garrus muttered.

"You have feelings for Tali?" Kasumi asked, genuine concern in her voice.

"_Had._" Garrus corrected her, continuing to work on the rifle.

"Was this what the fight between you two was about last night?" Jack asked.

"Yeah." Zaeed confirmed. "We had a friendly wager running. I bet a thousand credits that Shepard would seduce a female specialist before the end of the year. Vakarian here thinks that as Shepard turned down both that asari and the alliance soldier on the first Normandy that he's too focussed on battle to care, and bets against me."

Garrus continued to shoot as Zaeed relayed the tale, clearly getting aggravated.

"Anyway, somehow, Kelly finds out that Tali and Shepard slep… started dating before the Collector base, and, thinking it's old news, blabs it all over the ship. News filters down to me at around 3AM, and I head up to Deck Two to collect my winnings. As I arrive, I find Garrus in the mess, nursing a drink, looking mighty sorry for himself." The mercenary continued.

Garrus switched to autofire, checking the spread of the fired shots.

"So, thinking he's upset over his losses, I kind of… rub it in his face." Zaeed finished.

"Not realising he's upset because the female specialist is Tali…" Kasumi guessed.

Zaeed nodded in affirmation, taking another drag of his cigar.

"Let me guess, he immediately pops you in the face?" Jack asked.

"Yep." Zaeed replied. "Luckily, neither of us were armed. So there we are knocking each other senseless, not to mention trashing the mess, when Miranda storms in. I'm on top of Garrus on the table, punching him in the face and I look up. She's wearing matching lace underwear and a see-through nightie."

Jack snorted as she sipped from her beverage, finding the behaviour typical of the Cerberus cheerleader.

"As I'm taking pictures with my mind's eye," Zaeed continued, "Archangel here knees me in the crotch and throws me to the floor. Then he marches across the room, picks up a frying pan, and starts fucking whaling on me with it while I'm down."

"Garrus!" Kasumi exclaimed in shock.

"Look, he pissed me off OK?!" Garrus yelled, finally dropping the rifle to his side. "Not an hour earlier I'd found out the girl I'd cared about had hooked up with my best friend!"

"Maybe so, but…" Kasumi started.

"But what?" Garrus asked, voice still raised.

"Shepard and Tali were the ones you were angry at!" She replied. "It wasn't Zaeed's fault!"

"Oh yeah, because that little showdown would go well." Garrus scoffed. "Hi Shepard, hi Tali, it's nice to see you both smiling for the first time since I've known you. By the way, I have some unconfirmed romantic inclination towards you Tali, so I'm going to throw my hat into the ring and make us all super uncomfortable."

Garrus returned to working with the gun, continuing to check the spread.

"Oh grow up!" Zaeed huffed breaking the silence. "You had a little crush that didn't work out, big fucking deal."

Garrus opened his mouth to retort, but Zaeed cut him off before he could speak.

"I was engaged to this asari…" Zaeed began, ignoring him.

"Engaged?" Kasumi asked, surprised, glancing at the mercenary.

"Yeah. It was about six years ago. She wasn't bothered by my scars or anything. We'd been running in the same gang, and eventually everyone but the two of us got killed off."

"And they say romance is dead." Kasumi deadpanned.

"We ended up doing small jobs together for five months, and we pull off this amazing heist in batarian space, swiping a load of priceless prothean artefacts from right under the noses of the hegemony. We don't know who to fence them to, so we sell them to the Shadow Broker to get them off our hands, and he buys them for three million credits, sight unseen."

"Holy shit." Jack exclaimed.

"We split it, me and her, right down the middle. We check our accounts, and it's all cleared, no surprises. We both realise that either of us could have killed the other for a cool 1.5 million and didn't. So that night, we go out, get drunk and when we wake up in the morning, she's got a sparkly diamond ring on her finger."

"Whoa…" Kasumi gasped. Even Garrus was paying attention.

"So, we go to Thessia for a month. We write invites for her family. She buys a wedding dress. We book the venue and contract a minister. No shotgun stuff, the whole package."

"I'm imagining a thrilling tale of bloodlust, betrayal and violence is coming up." Garrus remarked.

Zaeed paused, reminiscing.

"Nope." He finally said. "The big day rolls around and I'm left standing at the altar in front of her family. She never showed. Her dad, a turian, walks up to me and gives me a hand-written letter from her saying that we weren't right for each other. I never saw her again."

Silence fell among the group as they processed Zaeed's tale.

"Truth be told, she wasn't wrong." Zaeed admitted, breaking the silence. "She was entering the matron stage, talking about kids and stuff, leaving the mercenary business behind. With all our cash we'd certainly have been OK, but I certainly wasn't ready to trade Jessie for a stroller."

"That's very… enlightening Zaeed, but what's your point?" Garrus asked.

"What's my point?!" Zaeed asked incredulously. "I'm trying to show you that your problems are nothing! You never even asked her out did you?"

"No…" The turian admitted, adding the final touches to the rifle.

"Pussy…" Jack smirked, leaning back against the wall.

"Come on, Garrus." Kasumi smiled, hopping down off the crate and crossing to the turian. Linking arms with him, she began to steer him towards the elevator. "You can drown your sorrows with me."

"All right." Garrus replied, putting on a small smile. "Your rifle's done Zaeed." He added, placing it gently down on a nearby crate.

The two left the bay, leaving Jack and Zaeed behind.

"Is she sweet on the turian now?" Zaeed asked as he crossed over to the gun. "I thought she wanted Jacob?"

"I played her that little audio clip you recorded of Cerberus boy earlier." Jack smirked. "I think she found it a turn-off. Nice work by the way."

"Thanks." Zaeed laughed as he aimed down the sight of his newly refurbished gun. He fired once, hitting the target dead centre. Even when shaking with barely-contained rage, the turian was gifted with weapons. The gun was calibrated perfectly.

Jack slipped off the crate, sidling up towards him.

"So your old fiancée liked your scars then?" She asked.

"Well, she didn't like them, she tolerated them." Zaeed clarified, turning to her and setting down the rifle.

"That's very interesting." Jack replied as she wrapped her arms around Zaeed's neck. "Because I genuinely like them."

"Is that so?" Zaeed asked as he circled his arms around her waist.

"Yup." Jack confirmed, staring up at him. "In fact, I like scars so much, I even have a few of my own. Why don't we go to your room and you can see for yourself?"

"How much have you had to drink?" Zaeed asked as she trailed light kisses along his jaw.

"Less than you think." She smiled up at him wickedly, grabbing his hand and leading him to the elevator. Zaeed grabbed Jessie with his free hand and moved with her.

As he looked at Jack's right hand clasped with his own left hand, and his functioning assault rifle safe in his free hand, Zaeed smirked as the elevator door closed, only one thought entering his mind.

"_Today was definitely a good day."_


End file.
